Ways To Annoy People On The Bus

  1. Remark, "Isn't it ironic how the very people that you kill are the same people you need to come pick you up when you're finally set free?"
  2. Tell them how much you admire their shoes. Ask them if they are made of wool. Remark how much you love wool and what a versatile fabric it is. Move on to their pants. Ask if they are wool. Do this for every item of clothing they have on. Talk about wool a lot.
  3. Tell them what beautiful eyes they have. Ask, "Are they real?"
  4. Ask them what their names is. When they answer, say, "Wow! That's my name too!" Fifteen minutes later, ask them what their name is again. Say "OH, YEAH...that's right!" Do this every fifteen minutes.
  5. Spray the seat with Lysol before you sit down. Place a hanky on the armrest separating the two seats. Sit as far away from the person as possible.
  6. Ask permission for everything you do, like, "Mind if I uncross my legs?" and "I was thinking of stretching my arm. Is that okay with you?"
  7. Annotate the bus trip as if you were an announcer at a sports event. "And we're here at the bus station. April fourth, 1996, a beautiful spring morning...and we're all ready to go. Phil is geting himself situated. That's Phil the bus driver, who, by the way, was looking pretty good this morning when I saw him practicing with the gas and brake pedals, so let's just hope that he can have a repeat performance. Okay, they've give the all clear, and...THEY'RE OFF!!! It's Phil in the front but here comes a Volkswagen Rabbit not far behind in the left lane, Phil is picking up speed, ooh, don't forget that yield at the corner, Philly...."
  8. Take out a pack of gum and say, "Boy, my ears are popping already!" Talk about how people really do look like ants from way up here. Wonder out loud where the stewardess is.
  9. When they are quiet say "I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" Ignore them when they try to speak to you.
  10. Whenever you pass another bus, act amazed and say, "How can I be there...when I'm here???"