A drunk was staggering down the street, with one foot in the gutter and one foot on the sidewalk. A cop stopped him and said: "You're drunk!"
The drunk replied: "Thank God! I thought I was crippled"

A drunk was weaving side to side on the sidewalk when two nuns approached. One sister decided it would be best if they went on each side of him. So when they passed, the drunk said: "How did she do that?"

A cop stopped a drunk lady who was driving the wrong way on a one way street. He said to her: "Didn't you see that arrow?"
"Hell" she said, "I didn't even see the indian!"

A guy goes into a whore house and begged the madamn for a quickie. She replied that there were girls but no room available. He was so desperate that he talked her into letting him use the roof. So the couple were doing the nasty and they fell off the roof. Just then a drunk staggered by and went in to the madam and said:
"Hey, Lady, your sign fell down!"

A drunk bumped into a woman comming out of a supermarket, causing her to drop her bag of groceries. Two eggs fell out and broke on the sidewalk, and the woman began to cry. The drunk looked at the eggs and then up at the crying woman and said: "Don't cry lady, it would have died anyway, its eyes are too close together."